Lonely Hearts
By Carol Patton
Loneliness isn’t just a quality of life
issue, but a threat to the quality of your health.
Last year, a young woman walked into Susan Neri-Friedwald’s
office, asking for help. Her problem: she was lonely.
Neri-Friedwald, founder of The New Behavior Institute
in New York, which helps people master more positive behavior and
build self-esteem, says learning how to deal with loneliness is
a very common problem.
The young woman frequented bars almost every evening
with her friends, searching for a boyfriend. But the men she met
only wanted a superficial relationship. It got to the point where
she felt that something was wrong with her because she wasn’t
meeting the right kind of guy.
“I pointed out that what she was doing was
focusing on trying to meet someone instead of focusing on enriching
her life,” says Neri-Friedwald. “This is a mistake a
lot of people [make] who are in their teens to their thirties.”
Worse yet, she began drinking more and more and
was slowly turning into an alcoholic. She was also underweight and
continually dieting in an attempt to look more attractive, which
was also affecting her health. “If I just lose another five
pounds…,” she would often say.
Loneliness is sometimes the culprit behind many
mental or physical conditions. Since the 1920s, science has examined
its harmful side effects. Study after study confirms what researchers
have known all along: loneliness can compromise your health in numerous
ways. It can increase your blood pressure, cause sleep problems,
or spark depression and stress.
Consider two studies published in 2002 by Psychosomatic
Medicine that demonstrate a link between loneliness, sleep dysfunction,
and lower cardiac output—the amount of blood your heart pumps
through your body. The same studies also reveal that lonely individuals
perceive the world as more threatening than do those who are not
lonely. Likewise, other studies have found that loneliness can negatively
impact sleep, heart activity, and even shorten your life.
Despite all the evidence, some people suffering
loneliness fail to seek professional help or alter their behaviors
or perceptions. If the problem is left untreated, their emotional
stability and physical health usually begin to deteriorate.
“People put a lot of stress on themselves
when they’re lonely—searching and searching to find
somebody,” says Neri-Friedwald. “That desperation is
only going to lead to more loneliness and more desperation. It’s
a cycle you just need to stop.”
But how? There are many different ways. For instance,
if you don’t have a close friend or someone you can confide
in, she suggests telling your thoughts and feelings to an empty
page. No one will judge you, argue with you, or point our your mistakes.
By the time you get to the bottom of the first or second page, she
says, you will have released any negative thoughts and will feel
better and think more positively.
Neri-Friedwald suggested to her lonely young client
that she change her strategy. Instead of bar hopping, she suggested
that she get involved in enjoyable activities. She ended up enrolling
in a college class and met a group of people who shared similar
interests. It didn’t take long before her social network expanded
and her loneliness vanished.
Unfortunately, most people don’t figure this
out.
“It’s very important that people understand
that, ultimately, other relationships won’t work until you
fix the relationship with yourself,” she says. “They
don’t recognize that loneliness is a symptom of the relationship
with themselves.”
Consistent Findings
In the 1960s, the Holmes Rahe Social Readjustment Reading Scale
was developed to evaluate people’s risk of illness or disease.
It measured the total amount of stress people experienced due to
various life events. The higher they scored, the greater their chances
of becoming seriously ill. Four of the top five stressors (death
of a spouse, divorce, separation from a living partner, and jail
term) all relate to the loss of an individual or being disconnected
from one’s family or significant others, says Peter Lambrou,
a psychologist at the Scripps Memorial Hospital Campus in La Jolla,
Calif.
Almost 40 years later, researchers are still uncovering
similar results. Lambrou points to several research studies involving
college students that reveal how their loneliness led to stress,
sadness, and depression, which produced high levels of cortisol
in their bodies. Cortisol, a stress hormone, reduces inflammation
and helps your body cope with injuries over the short term in a
productive way. It also enables your body to convert stored energy
into fuel so you can quickly respond to emergencies.
But if the cortisol level remains high for many
weeks or months, it can produce the opposite effect, which can be
quite damaging. He says it can suppress your immune system so that
you’re no longer able to fight off ordinary germs, making
you more susceptible to a range of illnesses and even life-threatening
conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. It also
changes the direction of fat storage. Since your body remains in
emergency mode, it will store even more sugar and carbohydrates,
which can cause everything from weight gain to cardiovascular disease.
Take Control
If you’re sad or depressed because of loneliness, Lambrou
says you can overcome these feelings by pushing yourself to establish
social connections. Join a church or association. Get involved in
community activities such as bridge clubs or reading groups. Sign
up for a yoga class or walking group, which has added health benefits.
Besides the social interaction, exercise also enhances your body’s
immune system.
Another technique that is frequently overlooked
is reconnecting with old friends. Even if you live on opposite coasts,
he says, pick up a phone and call them. Don’t let geography
dictate who your friends are or limit your social opportunities.
Phone or e-mail them every week or set up some type of regular communication.
Other times, people get a dog or cat for the companionship,
unconditional love that animals offer, and social opportunities
they create. Dog parks, for instance, are filled with animal lovers
interested in socializing with other pet owners.
If that doesn’t interest you, volunteer. Work
with animals, children, seniors, or even a political organization.
The activity doesn’t matter, as long as you enjoy it and are
interacting with people.
“Without a doubt, it’s a very significant
stress buffer to have one or two good friends with whom you connect
with some regularity and share one’s life in a safe way where
someone won’t use that information against you or criticize
you,” Lambrou says. “When those are lacking, people
suffer the effects of loneliness.”
So no matter how bad you may feel, don’t surrender
to loneliness. Fight back. Focus your attention on exploring some
of these techniques that can help build your social network while
improving your health. Your happiness depends on it.
Carol Patton is a freelance writer based in
Las Vegas whose articles have appeared in a variety of national
publications.
Value Your Solitude
Are you lonely or simply alone? Your perspective can make all the
difference when it comes to your physical and mental health, says
John Powell, a licensed psychologist and clinical counselor in the
counseling center at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
He suggests thinking about alone time as an opportunity for reflection,
a time to ask the bigger questions about who you are, what you want
to be, and where you want to go in life.
Other tips he recommends include:
• Develop or stick to healthy habits, such
as good nutrition, regular exercise, and adequate sleep. Feelings
of loneliness can sometime spiral into depression, which can lead
to loss of appetite, excessive sleep, and make you more vulnerable
to illnesses.
• Use alone time to develop your independence.
Learn how to take care of your emotional needs. You can grow in
important ways during time spent alone.
• Explore the possibility of doing things
alone that you usually do with other people, such as going to the
movies or an outdoor concert. Pick activities you enjoy instead
of sitting home and isolating yourself. And don’t decide ahead
of time how you’re going to feel. Keep an open mind.
“Never define yourself as a lonely person,”
Powell says, adding that people who recently ended a relationship
often find themselves in a void. “Remember, you’re not
an incomplete person without a partner. You’re still a person.
You just need to make some changes in how you invest yourself.”
—CP
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